Scott: Titus, go wash your hands.

Titus: Why?

Scott: Because you were just at church and you need to wash them.

Max: Yeah…church people are dirty!

Max, 5

Daddy, aren’t you glad you had at least one daughter to help you with all your problems?

Daphne, 6

Mommy, you don’t have to drink coffee today because I slept!!

Isley, 3

It was a hot summer evening, and the tornado sirens had gone off. I shouted for all of us to get down to the basement fast, a tornado might be coming. We all huddled together in the basement, and after some silence, Gabriel asked, “Is he here yet?”

“Who?” we wondered.

“The Giant Tomato.”

Gabriel, 4

Dad: Logan, how are those new shoes working out?

Logan: They’re working out fine, Dad. Now please stop asking so many times. It’s creepy.

Logan, 10

[Editor's note: "Red card!"]

Let me tell you a story that I don’t know anything about.

Avery, 5

(While Mom was busy typing an email.)

Simon:  Look Mom!  I’m all stickerd-ly (torso covered in stickers).  I’m a superhero.
Mom:  Wow!  What’s your superpower?
Simon:  When people won’t stop talking, I fly there and put a sticker over their lips.
Mom:  That might be the best superpower there ever was.

Simon, 3

Mom:  Nathaniel, do you know anything about sex yet?
Nathaniel:  No, I haven’t seen that movie.

Nathaniel, 6

Right hand (talking to left hand): You going to fly now?

Left hand: No. I no fly. I no have wings.

Mom: You can’t fly because you don’t have wings. That’s true, baby.

Henry: Shhh. My hands are talking to each other.

Henry, 2.5

I am not cheating, I am just finding a new way to win!

Alex, 6